One Year Later

by Cam Left Ed

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about

songs recorded through the first year of my transition on testosterone

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released April 29, 2017

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about

Cam Left Ed Kettering, Ohio

music from a person just as lost as everyone else.

also a trans person documenting their vocal transition on testosterone

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Track Name: Doing Alright (7 Weeks)
I guess I'm worth it, or so they say
Guess I'm getting better day by day
I plan my life now instead of planning my death
I get up and go out instead of staying in bed

And I don't know if this counts as progress,
But I can eat full meals again
Don't know if it counts as recovery,
But I guess it's something.

Not sure if I'm better, or if I'm just used to it now
I manage most days, and I wonder how
I'm still a wreck in my heart and head
But I can live, and it's so worth it

And I don't know if this counts for anything,
But I can usually sleep at night
Don't know if it counts as recovery,
But I think I'm doing alright.

I think I'm doing alright
I think I'm doing alright
For the first time in my life
I think I'm doing alright, doing alright.
Track Name: Searching for a Purpose (2 Months)
tell me there’s more to my story
than wasted potential and unused time
tell me i’ll accomplish something
more than desperately hoping for something that’s mine

cause i’m waiting
i’m trying so hard
but it’ll kill me,
living off of these scars

i’m searching for a purpose
past living to exist
something, anything, anything at all
just to get me through this
just to get me through this

so tell me there’s something more for me
than a quiet voice and sleeping in
tell me the future’s better
than the dark places that i’ve been

cause i’m waiting
i’m trying so hard
but it’ll kill me,
living with a broken heart

i’m searching for a purpose
past living to exist
something, anything, anything at all
to get me through this
i’m searching for a purpose
past this self hatred
something, anything, anything at all
just to get me through this
just to get me through this
Track Name: Just Enough (2 Months)
There are scars in my skin
From the times I couldn't begin
To decipher how I felt
But these days they're all healed,
There's no more fresh wounds here,
Just a need to help

And maybe it's too late
To go back and change how it was
But I still have today.
And maybe it's dangerous
To put so much trust in myself
But maybe it's just enough.

And yes I could go on
Forever and a day
About how things will be okay
But I guess I'll settle
For how things are
Because there's not much else to say

And maybe it's too late
To go back and change how it was
But I still have today.
And maybe it's dangerous
To put so much trust in myself
But maybe I'm just enough
Yeah maybe I'm just enough

There's a home in the love that I show
There's a place in the things that I know
There's so much more to life
Than this fight.
Track Name: Who's to Say (3 Months)
balance has never come easily to me
i’m used to struggling to get what i need
but the path ahead is a tightrope
and i’m not sure if i should go

holding onto the past, it weighs on me
but i can’t get rid of these things
they’re always hidden just behind
these walls i hate so much sometimes

but who’s to say i won’t find my way
from the pieces left behind?
and who’s to say i won’t get away
with a future oh so bright?
well, i’m putting up a fight
so just sit tight

everyone says it just takes time
but extra minutes are hard to find
i can’t put my life on a shelf
my problems won’t fix themselves

it’s not an issue of when or why but how
if i’m going, i need to go now
but my feet are trapped in quicksand
and it seems no one understands

but who’s to say i won’t find my way
from the pieces left behind?
and who’s to say i won’t get away
with a future oh so bright?
well, i’m putting up a fight
so just sit tight

and if i collapse
halfway through my balancing act
i might lose it all
but maybe it’s a short fall

and who’s to say i won’t find my way
from the pieces left behind?
and who’s to say i won’t get away
with a future oh so bright?
well, i’m putting up a fight
and who’s to say i won’t find my way
from the pieces left behind?
and who’s to say i won’t get away
with a future oh so bright?
well, i’m putting up a fight
so just sit tight
Track Name: Four-Thirty-Six (3.5 Months)
Got this hole in my chest wider than me
Starting to feel what it is to believe
What I say, what I mean
Can be two different things
But don't worry now

Need new eyes, need a whole new view
Need to open up, need to get back to
One strong heart, six long strings
A new meaning
I won't worry now
I won't worry now.
Track Name: At This Point (4 Months)
Self destruction sounds like something too willful to just happen
And okay, maybe it is, but I swear it was an accident
And even constant aggravation can't touch this ocean of apathy
And a dot of hope can't drain it, so I guess we're all sort of sinking

And at this point I know I'm fucking dying
I don't know if I care if I'll make it
At this point I know I'm always lying
But I can't pretend, I can only fake it
Cuz at this point,
There's nothing to do but fall
At this point,
There's no point at all.

I've grown to believe in anything other than my own dreams
But I regret that now and I swear, I swear I was trying
Don't know what I'm searching for, but I've been looking everywhere I go
Maybe I'll find something more, maybe it could feel like home

Cuz at this point I know I'm fucking dying
It hurts to almost care if I'll make it
At this point I know I'm always lying
But I can't pretend, I don't want to fake it
But at this point,
There's nothing to do but fall
At this point,
There's no point at all.

And I promise
Though you can't trust my promises
I swear
I'll change that someday

And I just wish
It didn't have to be like this
I don't
Want to know what it's like to fade away.

At this point I know I'm fucking dying
It hurts so much to care if I make it
At this point I know I'm always lying
But I can't pretend, I don't want to fake it
But at this point
There's nothing to do but fall
At this point
There's no point at all.
Track Name: Art of Living (5 Months)
I'm trying so damn hard to love
This world that would think nothing of
My dead body, lying in the street
Killed by hate and an attempt to be
Oh I'm trying so damn hard, but

Some days I'm overcome with rage
Sometimes I scream out the pain
Of this prison, trapped so tight
Nothing left but a prick of light
Oh I'm trying so damn hard to change

Cause dreaming only gets you so far
And the art of living sets a high bar
I'm so tired of this war,
But I'm sure
Of what I'm fighting for.

I'm clutching so damn tight to hope
That I'll somehow escape this low
I long for it, to be more than this
Shell of who I could've been
Oh I'm holding fast I won't let go

Some days it's all so clear
And I can release some of the fear
Of never being quite enough,
Trying so hard for nothing but
I'm looking at the coming years

Cause dreaming only gets you so far
And the art of living sets a high bar
I'm so tired of this war
But I'm sure
Of what I'm fighting for.

And the most dangerous part
Is realizing that your heart
Can break within a blink
When you're on the brink

But the best part
Is realizing that your heart
Is stronger than you think
Oh it's stronger than you think

Cause dreaming only gets you so far
And the art of living sets a high bar
I'm so tired of this war
But I'm sure
Of what I'm fighting for
Oh I'm sure
Of what I'm fighting for.
Track Name: Surfacing (6 Months)
Breaking the surface was harder than it seemed
I came up for air, but could only scream
And with empty lungs, I submerged again
Waiting for a second wind
Of strength.

And I knew I would never be ready for it
But anything was better than sinking in
So when I took my first breath
It burned, it seared, but I held it in
To stay.
Stay

I could spend my whole life drowning
And maybe that'd be easier
Or I could go out fighting
Exhausted but worth the effort
And maybe I'm not worth it,
Maybe I'm worthless,
But I can see
It's worth it to breathe.

Treading water and catching waves
I grew used to the air's fresh taste
And I slowly swam back to shore
Collapsed in the sand and wished for more
Strength

Sunburnt and sore and breathing fire
I wanted to move but I was too tired
Then the tide lapped at my feet
Couldn't go back, somehow I found it in me
To stay.
Stay

I could spend my whole life drowning
And maybe that'd be easier
Or I could go out fighting
Exhausted but worth the effort
And maybe I'm not worth it,
Maybe I'm worthless,
But I can see
It's worth it to breathe.

Stay
Stay
Stay...

I've spent my whole life drowning
And it sure as hell was easier
But I will go out fighting
Exhausted but worth the effort
And I may not be worth it,
I still feel worthless,
But I can see
It's worth it to breathe.

So stay,
Stay,
Stay

Stay.
Track Name: Lost at Sea (8 Months)
Every epiphany I've ever had has happened out at sea
So much in my lungs, so sure I was drowning
Coughing it up just made it hurt in a different way
So I gave in, let the tide soothe the pain

But when I reached shore
I reached for more

Don't give up looking, I'm just lost in the waves
And if you don't find me, somehow I'll find my way
No matter how much heart I lack,
I'll always come back.

And the salt stung in the wounds left on my beaten skin
So winded, dizzy, learning to breathe again
With the hiss of life came the fear of letting it all go
Held on too tight, I was the anchor dropped below

Return to shore
Back for more

Don't give up looking, I'm just lost in the waves
And if you don't find me, somehow I'll find my way
No matter how much heart I lack,
I'll always come back.

Lost at sea, treading water
Hope can only do so much
Lost at sea, it's getting harder
Limbs going numb

Lost at sea, treading water
Hope can only do so much
Lost at sea, it's getting harder
And I'm losing focus

Back for more

Don't give up looking, I'm just lost in the waves
And if you don't find me, somehow I'll find my way
Don't give up hoping, I'm just mending this break
And if you can't save me, just lend a hand to take
Don't give up looking, I'm just lost in the waves
And if you don't find me, somehow I'll find my way
No matter how much heart I lack,
I'll always come back

I'll always come back.
Track Name: Airway (9 Months)
My voice is all I have to keep me sane
After so many years of silence
And now I can't quite believe my fate
The ability to breathe now feels violent

And I know you don't understand
How I can choose this over breath
But to live without living is a nightmare,
I've been there,
And it's just as slow a death.

And my heart pours into every one of these lines
Please don't let me give up now
I can't bear to leave my dreams behind
I swear without them I would drown

And I know it's hard to see
All of this struggle inside
But I can never live a full life,
Not this time,
So while I can, just let me sing
So while I can, just let me sing
So while I can, just let me
Track Name: Four Years (11 Months)
I wanted to write something soft and sweet for you
But no matter what, nothing comes out right
I'm overly romantic, we both know that's the truth
But you hate this stuff, so fuck it, I'll compromise

We always have to shit at the same time
When choosing food, we always fight
We wake up to armpit smells
And my snoring sounds like it's coming from hell

You're an asshole,
But it's cool,
I am too

You're a wreck, and I'm a mess,
The cats are using Taco Bell bags as beds
You never sleep, I overeat,
We bicker about the stupidest things
It's not what I thought it'd be,
But you're perfect for me.
Track Name: Goodbye; Hello (1 Year)
At this point, I think it's safe to say
You won't fade completely from the lines of my face
In the creases of my memories, you're with me
And I'm so glad that I'm still breathing

So goodnight and goodbye;
Hello, welcome to life.
Goodnight and goodbye.
Hello, welcome to life.